I don't know if this is bugging me more now that my anti-depressant medication has run out or if just my situation has brought this on, or a combination of both...
My heart is breaking at the thought of having to quit pioneering for a while, even though my brain knows I need to focus on getting my health better & gradually build myself up to pioneering again. The last 2.5 years I have struggled to make the hourly requirements & most of the time, I did not make it. I still had joy in the ministry but I felt bad for not doing as much as I used to when I started.
In my old congregation there was an extremely strong pioneer spirit & I wanted to be part of that encouraging force. I was able to encourage two younger publishers to join in pioneering & the congregation as a whole was able to encourage a few others to join us in our joyous work. I was at my happiest but still dying inside.
My background tells me that I am not worth anything & I should not be so happy. Life in general was pulling me down, tearing me apart. My home life was very difficult too. It got to where I knew I couldn't pioneer anymore, but I couldn't be at home. There were times that I took my Kingdom hall key, went to the hall late at night & slept on the couch on the stage, then I would leave really early before anyone came in for service. I just couldn't face being at home. I really didn't want to quit pioneering because I would have to turn in my key. That wasn't my only reason, but that is what I feared.
When my sister started showing signs of needing to get out of our home environment, my other sister & her husband stepped in & opened their home to us, at first I didn't want to go because of my congregation, my family, that I would be leaving behind. I prayed about it & talked with my sister about her feelings & we decided we would do better if we left.
We talked with our service group overseer & our service overseer, my best friend about our situation & what was available for us. Our buddy Ray, our service overseer, knows our situation & knows the pain in our hearts over our home life. He has even been there for me when I was sobbing & could hardly talk. He held my hand & cried with me. He truly knows me. He immediately said he thought it would be good if we got away, he asked some questions & then told me that if I need to quit pioneering for a while, there is no shame in that. The other brother is very dear too, but I don't think he really believed how bad things were at home, even so, he went ahead & agreed that it might be better to get away too.
So we packed up our stuff & moved to another state, another congregation, another life. Jehovah was helping us with our decision, everything was falling into place, but it still scared me to death. Within a month, my sister started improving in her mental state. Physically though, we were very sick. We caught a bug from our parents & we have been sick every since. I am getting over the national avg. but not near enough to keep pioneering.
I have been trying to get the state insurance program here & a doctor. In the process I am gradually running out of my medicines. Before I left home I was on an anti-depressant & anti-psychotic pills. I was having anxiety attacks & severe migraines. The two medicines together were taming both problems. Now I am just hanging here without my medication & both problems are back in full force. I keep having scary dreams & during the day I feel panicked inside & I want to run away. I have found myself crying for no reason, well, no reason that I am aware of. I have applied for a few jobs & one I even got an email telling me to come to a group interview, I haven't gone because I am scared to death! Those of you that know me, would know that working at Guitar Center is one of my dream jobs. Even with that, I can't do it...
Today I made an appointment for a doctor to see me, the soonest they could get me in is the 24th of this month. I have no money for this appointment so my brother & sister are paying for it out of the house repair money. I feel so bad about that, but really, what can I do??? I can't get a job until these stupid panic attacks are under control. I just hope I can get a job...
So, my heart wants to pioneer, my brains says I need to step back for a while & so does my body. I am missing my best buddy Ray & his wife Tory. They both have been there for me at my lowest & now I am without them... I'm scared.
I am praying to Jehovah to help me get through this & to rely on him when I am feeling alone & afraid. I am aiming to auxiliary pioneer in April along with my two sisters & my niece. I am hoping I can do it.
Anyway, I guess what I really needed to say is that I am scared & feeling alone & I need a hug. Okay, thanks for reading about my pain. I'm going to try and get some sleep now.
I love you Mal. We'll get through this. You're not alone. You have us and you have Jehovah and the congregation here as well as your friends in NM are a phone call away. Jehovah sees your tears and understands where you're at and what you need, more so than anyone does. Stopping pioneering for now to get your mental and physical health in a safe place is a good thing to do. You no longer have to hide from your own home, and so things are starting to come out that you have hidden and stuffed down deep inside for years. There's only so long you can pretend you are ok when you are not, and it eventually catches up to you. I am very thankful you're not alone like I was. Mal, don't forget I come from the same place, the same deep hurt, the same fears. I promise you that although it won't be overnight, you WILL feel better in time. Jehovah will help you through it, Gloria & I will help you, and so will Chris, Chelsea & Brenden and the congregation. You are never alone. I love you.
ReplyDeleteWAAH, my poor Poopsie! :'( I wuvs you.
ReplyDeleteI love you too Mal, even though we have never met face to face you are still my sister and the pain that you feel is a pain that does not go away easily. The facing of stopping pioneering is a hard one. I was crying when I had to go to the elders and tell them I had to stop. What you need is to get yourself back to where you can healh wise, your sister is so wonderful for taking you and your other sister in, I'm thankful for her! :o)
ReplyDeleteFrom experiance, when I left my home situation I had panic attacks too, I would go in my closet and bawl my eyes out, I would wake up in cold sweats scared of my past, I would cry at the kingdom hall (the new one I was at), sometimes I would have to go home because I couldn't be there, even though that was the best place I could be. (this is after I was married too). My health was really bad too, I couldn't seem to get over anything. Part of that is the stress you are or had on your body. Jehovah is like a big papa (as I described to my children) and his arms are always open to you, imagine yourself crawling into his lap, snuggling against his chest with his big strong arms around you, holding you, as you cry and tell him everything. He will make it better, He has already started by you having your sister there, and great friends like Ray and his wife.
You seem to have a good support system where you are right now, and even if you do have to stop pioneering, ITS OKAY! Heb 6:10, my favourite scripture which was read to me when I had to stop. Jehovah doesn't count time!
I love you mal! Cheer up hun, the new order is right around the corner when all this hurt will be gone (rev 21:4) and we won't have to look back at the "former things" and remember all the badness and sickness and hurt that we have had to deal with! Jehovah will erase that from our minds, but until then, you have friends (all over the earth, and right in the next room) that are there to hold you, maybe not physically, but emotionally, and love you!!
I love you xoxoxo
sorry that was so long!!!
ReplyDelete